Wednesday, October 05, 200511:55 AM
fear...
and i asked myself.. why am i doing all this?? why is a diploma holder doing a job that anyone with the sligtest knowlege will be able to do it well? i dunno.. why did i made myself fall into such a situation??
ask me if i like my current job. my ans is no.. not because i dun like what im doing in the company.. not because i dun like the office.. i'm afraid... there's an unkonwn form of fear inside me.. the people in the office... a kind of fear.. that i have nv ever experience before.. in this office, i cant be myself.. simply because i feel that i need to protect myself..
i never like to be a quitter.. yet ever since i graduated, i seems to be a quitter.. i dunnoe what i wan to be... so i just keep hoping from one job to another.. even though ive tried so many jobs, none of them made me feel the fear that i have in this current one.. not even when i'm in AKDA...
reason why i quit AKDA, is not becasue of anything.. it's just my fault.. an obstacle that i cant overcome.. that's y i quit.. but people are nice there.. at least i can feel that they are sincere and really nice to me.. but now.. i cant seems to feel it in this new environment..
in the past, im afraid that no one will talk to me in office.. now, I'm afraid to talk to them.. because i dunno if they are genuine in the way they treat me.. they may be smiling at me... but are they really smiling at me? or are they just smiling at me because they think that they should simply becasue im a human??? i seems to be covering myself with a shield when im in office... no one seems to be real about themselves.. and these feelings send shivers down my spine..
the only thing that's real in this office - money.
the pay is good. i cany denie the fact... and i need the money..
but the question is... how long can i stay in such an environment???